Gentlemen, we know you love to praise your schlong every now and then. Just like ladies’ private parts have been glorified in so many pieces of fine (or not so fine) music, our wieners deserve some love in that regard, too. Is it weird? We don’t think so. We love a good penis song. Here are some of the most memorable poetry and music put together for our one-eyed friend.
ZZ Top – Tube Snake Boogie
We love starting out with a classic. So many children at the time we’re blessed to hear it at the time and had no clue what this song is about. Now we all know what a “tube snake” is. And we’re warning you… The further we go with the song recommendations, the lyrics get blunter. Ah, the poets’ freedom!
Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, Dat Nigga Daz & Nate Dogg – DeeezNuuuts
Even though the song title refers to the scrotum, have no fear – these rappers go on and on about the penis in this one. Also, all rap lovers appreciate any track with Nate Dogg in it. However, here we need to highlight Dr. Dre “with big money, big nuts, and a big fat chronic sack.” Yup.
Aerosmith Big Ten Inch Record
Let’s move back to 1975 and a whole change of pace. Covering Bull Moose Jackson’s tune from 1952, the Aerosmith band was a bit more subtle and used a clever word-play. “She just love my big ten-inch… record of her favorite blues.” Such a catchy penis tune! Sorry, not a penis. It’s about a record – wink, wink.
Macklemore – Penis Song
Macklemore is a lyrical genius who decided to express his wishes for a “bigger schlong” very clearly. And we’d say he speaks for most of us men. Size matters to us. Macklemore has the talent to make it rhyme.
Lil’ Kim feat. 50 Cent – Magic Stick
We have a weird feeling that 50 and Lil’ Kim didn’t rap about one of those Harry Potter’s magic wands in this one. Even though 50 says, “he’ll show us magic.” It’s just a different kind of magic. The wiener magic.
Kevin Fowler – Don’t Touch My Willie
We needed to get to more ambiguous lyrics, and this time we went country. For all our loving rednecks (or the ones who channel their inner redneck while listening to this song), Fowler explained – he doesn’t “pull out his Willie for just anyone.” A decent man, we say.
Rodney Carrington – Dear Penis
It would be a pity not to end this list of carefully chosen dick songs with an honest classic that Dear Penis is. And props to Chris Dill for a cartoon masterpiece he made for the song. “If we put our heads together, we’d just stay home forever.” Truer words have never been spoken.
We enjoyed doing research for this piece. And yes, we have a vagina-related song list, too. If you can remember more schlong-songs, we’d love to hear your suggestions. Show us some love in the comments.