Thank goodness for modern medicine nowadays. While some people do enjoy alternative medicine and more ‘natural’ ways of healing themselves – which is also legit, Radasses never judge – we have reached this civilized point of existing where we don’t use funky remedies thinking that they will cure us. And, my dear people, lemme just say, it used to get REALLY funky. On their path to medical breakthroughs, people made some disgusting and disturbing concoctions and practices, to say the least. Some of those “cures” are nowadays known as outright dangerous and illegal. So, what horrendous ideas and substances have people resorted to in the past, thinking it would cure them? Let’s find out.
Hot Iron for Buttholes
What, you thought we were going to ease you into these? Pssh, get real, this is RadAss, if you can’t hang then we’ll toughen you up. Did you know that there was a saint who was a “hemorrhoid protector?” Yup, St. Fiacre protected people from hemorrhoids and those who didn’t pray to him got what they deserved, we guess. But fear not, there was a cure! People with this itching, burning issue were sent to a monk who placed a hot iron on their hemorrhoids. Yeah, makes perfect sense. That must have eased the pain. Right.
Holes in Skulls
Did you ever have such a splitting headache that made you feel like your head was about to explode? Well, way back when, medical practitioners would quite literally drill a hole in your skull. This procedure is called trepanning and it was used to help people get rid of the “pressure.” Shockingly, there is evidence from archaeologists that people survived these procedures. Also, the magical skull hole “helped” with not only migraines but different mental disorders or epilepsy. However, since people walked around with holes in their heads, they most likely died from an infected wound. That went well.
Eating Dead People
One thing you can say about Europeans back in the day is that they did get inventive. Disgusting, but inventive all the same. Yup, this portion is not only bizarre but disgusting as well. In the 19th century, Europe was still a breeding ground for some funky crap, as people thought that eating the remains of dead bodies would cure their diseases. For example, if you have a disease related to your leg, eat a piece of leg. It’s as simple as that. Yes, Karen, eat an Egyptian thousand-year-old mummy, that’s gonna cure you. Waste not, want not, right?
Cocaine & Heroin for Kids?!
Do drugs, kids! Drugs are good! Jokes people, they’re just jokes, so chill. At least in the opinion of medical specialists in the early 20th century, these drugs did “wonders” for our health. They did wonders all right. Cocaine was heavily marketed in the US, and heroin was a superstar drug in Germany.
From the end of the 19th century, cocaine was first shown to be helpful in numbing patients during eye surgeries. After that, medical circles went gaga for the stuff in such a way that it was marketed for a number of health issues such as depression, or even a common toothache. It was even used as one of the ingredients in chocolate and was marketed for children.
A few time zones ahead, Germans had their own terrible, addictive drug marketed as a cold and cough medicine for kids. This highly dangerous and addictive drug was sold as an “amazing cure for cough and irritation,” and it reportedly got its name from the employees – on whom the “medicine” has been tested – who said the drug made them feel “heroic.” People today might see that a little differently, but different methods for different times after all.
Well, we guess that’s how they went from the “amazing breakthroughs” to the “huge mistake” mentality. You live and you learn. And you get thousands of people high or dead in the process. Let’s find an expression for “epic fail” in the early 1900s, please.
Jars of Farts
When you find yourself in the midst of a pandemic like the Black Death, you might be surprised at what methods people would turn to. You might even resort to believing that someone’s butt exhaust can cure you. Yup, people stored farts in jars. You are right, this requires context.
In the 14th century, the Black Death took the lives of roughly 75,000,000 to 200,000,000 people worldwide, which was about a third of the world’s population back then. The infected people, when they were dying from the vicious disease, emitted some of the most noxious gases that came with a truly horrendous smell. Since, at that time, being a doctor usually meant tapping like a blind man in the dark and hoping to get lucky, someone somehow came up with the marvelous idea that smelling the farts of the dying could somehow make you immune to the disease. So, what did they do? They tried to preserve the farts in jars.
Drinking or Gargling Urine
Who needs chemo, or even Listerine, when you have your own ready-made cure on tap? Excuse me while I go brush my teeth a few times at the mere thought. There have been many urine-lovers through history, and it reportedly started with Romans, who believed that gargling your own urine can help you whiten your teeth. Yeah, just get that ammonium goodness in your mouth and achieve those shiny, pearly whites! Don’t forget to kiss someone later on and pass it along.
Some people, even nowadays, believe that drinking urine can have a cleansing effect on our body and help it get rid of bacteria. Some claims even went so far in saying how drinking pee can cure cancer. As there is zero scientific data backing this, we’d take a wild guess and say it’s not right. Cheers!
Crystal Meth for Hitler?
Let’s dive into some “happy chemicals,” with the first one being crystal meth. But, there is a weird and disturbing connection between Nazi Germany and methamphetamine – which is a scientific name for crystal meth.
An academic article of Psychiatric Times (source: https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/methamphetamine-dictatorship-hitler-nazi-germany-and-drug-abuse), as well as other research papers, claim that, simplified for us average Joes, the majority of Nazis were usually high. From common soldiers – who were getting meth to be “more alert and awake during combat” – to other higher-ranked generals, and of course, Hitler, it was always party time.
The Führer was injected with different “vitamins,” almost on a daily basis. His personal physician, Dr. Theodor Morell, injected him with cocktails of drugs like amphetamines and other opiates. Moral of the story – the guy who was behind WWII atrocities was…wait for it…high as a kite quite often. It has even been reported that, before his suicide, he was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. No, this is not Breaking Bad we’re talking about. It’s the World War II. As folks from the TV series South Park would say: don’t do drugs, kids. Drugs are bad. Mkaaay?
Arsenic for STD
We are not sure how many times we have to thank the advancement in technology and medicine, as people have been marketing the most horrible stuff under claims of these ‘remedies’ being effective drugs. One of the examples is arsenic. Fortunately, we know by now how poisonous arsenic is. Well, guess who didn’t know? Many medicinal practitioners from the 18th to early 20th century. Not only that they didn’t know how poisonous it was – they treated syphilis with it. Hey Pierre, I understand you have an STD – here’s some poison; it’ll fix you, I mean it, right up! No wonder our life expectancy has increased this much.
What do you think about the outrageous cures we presented you? We can’t lie – the last one is stomach-churning. But, do you enjoy finding out weird stuff? Let us know.
