A lot of people enjoy being adventurous and young and full of life and whatnot – until they need to change the first diaper of their crying kid. After that, sleep deprivation becomes a way of life as trying to feed them, keep them dry, and prevent them from dying, literally, becomes a parent’s life. Because that’s what babies are – tiny pooping and crying machines that cannot hold their head on their teeny shoulders, and if you leave them unattended bad things can happen. And if you think life gets easier when they get stronger and start walking…..
No, my friends. Just, NO.
To a single person, or to someone without kids, this is what hell might be like because when they can move around and get into things is when the real trouble begins. When they can reach things that you thought weren’t possible for them, it gets even worse. And despite those blessed periods of rest that parents come to treasure, nap time, in other words, a kid’s batteries tend to constantly recharge, whereas yours will begin to drain slowly but surely. And on top of that, there are a few other things that you’ll start to miss even if you don’t have the energy to do much more than groan over the lost experiences, such as:
- Sex on a regular basis: Yeah, right, that’s a good one. It wouldn’t matter if your gorgeous other half is ready, which she probably won’t be since pregnancy takes a lot of out of a woman initially. After she recovers though there’s still way too much to do, and you’ll be lucky to get a quickie before your child needs something.
- Skydiving or other fun activities: Yeah, not until that kid is older or until you can find a babysitter that’s will to take a baby. Have fun watching the money fly out of your wallet for childcare.
- Traveling: Oh you’ll travel, back and forth to the grocery store when it’s needed, off to work of course to pay for this new bundle of joy, and for diapers, which get expensive no matter which type you use.
Bucket lists are great, but we think all those who aspire to become parents at one point deserve a good cradle list. That is Rad Crew, the list of things single people (or couples) should do before having a crying baby in the cradle.
When you get your first child(ren), you will say goodbye to some fun stuff you planned for yourself, at least temporarily. Here’s what to do before that day comes.
Stay Up Late & Enjoy Your Mornings
When the baby comes, your sleeping schedule will be wrecked. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about, WRECKED. That cute but vicious crying machine will make your life miserable. You will experience what real sleep deprivation looks like. And no, that won’t be like that one time you got hammered with your friends and slept 2.5 hours before going to work. Or those times you pulled all-nighters before exams. No. This will be continuous torture. Ok, that’s a little bit dramatic since most babies are cute and you’ll probably think your version of mini-me is the cutest. But that won’t take away the fact that you will get to experience what it feels like to be drowsy and completely out of it without a single shot of tequila, and what it’s like to have the focus and memory of a goldfish due to your kid screaming every two hours at night because they’re hungry, wet, or whatever the hell is wrong at that moment. Savor your alone time (or with your better, or good-enough half) – stay up late and sleep in. Enjoy that precious, good-quality sleep and be so damn grateful for every minute of dreaming and slobbering on your pillow.
Go on a Spontaneous Trip
Remember that time you and your friends wanted to go to Vegas, watch some hot strippers and gamble, just out of the blue? Or when you and your girl wanted to go to a weekend where you would drink some wine and see how many positions you could practice before a cramp set in? Nope. Those things won’t be a possibility when the tiny babies come to play. First and foremost, your baby, and then your work and your budget will scream “hell to the no.” Be spontaneous and go on those cool trips with friends, or even all by yourself, when you can.
Spend a Ton of Money on Something Stupid Even if you wanted to, when the baby arrives you won’t be able to buy stupid and expensive items just because you want to. The chances are that you won’t want to do it anyway since you’ll care more about that mini, burping version of yourself and will think of what you can get them to make them happy. Either way, the right choice is to do it now. Buy that stupidly expensive watch or sports car (I mean, if you can afford that, props to you, Rich Rad Mofo!). That ridiculously-priced Japanese whiskey your friend couldn’t shut up about? Add to cart. Collection of sex equipment you and your partner wanna try out? Add to the cart. We’re telling you, ENJOY
Swim With Sharks or Go Skydiving
Are you up for something that can potentially kill you, but will create all those amazing memories? Yep, that’s the right way to think. If you want to see all those dangerous sea predators swimming so elegantly around you; or feel the air beneath you as you feel like you’re flying, looking like an idiot in the air, and possibly pass gas against the instructor you’re attached to – then yes, you must do that before your child arrives.
“Why, oh why? I’ve got enough time.” You probably do, but chances are that you won’t feel the need to do those things anymore. Other stuff will become the priority, and you’ll set aside those cool adrenaline shots that you want to remember when you’re 80 years old with grandkids and no more energy left for the fun stuff.
Save. Your. Money.
We know, we know. This doesn’t only sound horribly boring, but contradictory, to say the least. “Why the hell do you keep telling me I should swim with sharks and then save my Benjamins? Are you high, dude?” We won’t answer that second question because one’s gotta do what one’s gotta do to stay buzzed and productive. ANYWAY. Back to the topic. Those little burping, milk-vomiting, cute Michelin Man-looking creatures in your life will not only bring joy, love, and lots of foul, fudgy diapers. They will suck the money out of your pockets like a Kirby vacuum cleaner. When you spend and save for yourself, you can buy and do a lot more with your money and not feel a bit guilty. You are free as a bird and whatever financially irresponsible move you make, it’s going to be on you. But no, no. When that tiny creature comes squalling into the world, you won’t be thinking of partying it up– you might think: “Bugger. Financially, I’m so screwed.” Yes, indulge in stupid stuff. Enjoy your young adult life to the fullest. But, if you’re going to plan for a baby, set that cash aside.
Are you telling me you never swam in the ocean, sea, or even a freakin’ pool completely au naturel? Those are some serious levels of freedom you need to experience, my rad friends. Find a deserted place to take a dip – just so you don’t get in trouble with authorities – free your nethers and go for it. If this action gets followed by sex on the beach or by the pool, that’s even better.
Take Nothing For Granted
Treasure your long showers. That glass at the very end of the coffee table. The time when you can be a lazy, smelly piece of potato with empty bags of Doritos or bottles of wine lying around. The time when you can smoke weed with friends or get experimental in the bedroom. Enjoy all those moments. Why? Because you won’t have time for many of those small (or not so small) things.
And no. We are not minimizing the joys of having babies. Getting a mini-me is pretty damn rad. However, we love to keep it real and remind all of you Rad Souls to take full advantage of your young brain, body, and those cool ideas brewing up in your head.
Oh, did you think we were done? Not even close. Let’s move on, shall we?
There’s more to talk about, more you might want to do before that kid comes, and we’re here to keep giving you ideas until you’re sick and tired of hearing about them. Admit it, some of you out there are already making a list of what you want to do before becoming parents. No one blames you, having a kid is a big responsibility, but it’s worth it after a while.
Before you get to that point though, here are a few other things you might want to consider.
Go Full-Nude on a Nude Beach
Yeah, skinny dipping is adventurous. But how actually adventurous are you if you are doing it by yourself with your girl, for example, or some friends? Let’s take it up a notch. Reveal your birthday suit to all those nude peeps on a nude beach. If there are any Rad nudists – we are not here to judge but to challenge our shy Radasses. You might feel weird. You might feel uncomfortable. And later, you might stop noticing where you are and what you and others are NOT wearing. Give it a try.
Start That New Business/Career
Maybe it’s easier to jump out of a plane, right? We know. Some ideas that seem bigger than you can handle might scare you. But, they might scare you even more when you have a small person to look after. What have you been dreaming about for years? Was it a digital marketing startup? That gaming YouTube channel? That car business your father told you it was stupid? That acting career? That ice cream business? Whatever it is – go for it. You might fail. Who cares? You might succeed, and even if you don’t, or change your mind in the meantime, you’ll know you tried. For sure, you’ll have more stories to share with the mini-me.
Go To Oktoberfest
Ok, after we got all deep and mushy over serious life choices, it’s time to go back to ALCOHOL. Or, more precisely, beer. Do you like beer? If you do, or if you just fancy some carefree good time surrounded with German language, busty waitresses carrying gallons of beer, and sausage, Oktoberfest is the place for you. For beer-lovers, it surely is heaven.
This beer festival has been going strong since 1810. Go there, soak in some German culture, wear their traditional clothing and drink some good beer. Hopefully, after the COVID shitstorm has passed.
Throw A Most Epic House Party
What do you mean, you’ve never thrown an epic party? Are you kidding me? Okay, it’s all good, you’re in the right place now.
And don’t think we will judge your party. Whatever party you want to throw, it needs to be epic. Do you want a Halloween party? A typical, college-style party with a beer pong, jello shots, and 30 people? Ok, so do that after COVID settles down. Do something you and your friends will keep talking about decades after.
Try Having Sex at Weird Location
Of course we were going to mention sex, we are not idiots (well, that depends on who you ask, but we own our weirdness). When you get immersed into turning your baby into a decent human being, earning all that money for diapers, tuition, or whatnot, and being sleep-deprived, you might forget about getting jiggy with it with your sexy partner. Hell, the sexy partner might not want you, either. Eventually, you will resume your sexual endeavors, but you’ll do best when you are alone.
And experiment with those locations.
Sex in the car? On a meadow? Stairway of a random building? On the beach? In the mountains? Hot tub? Bakery? We don’t really care. Just make sure not to disturb anyone or get reported to the police while climbing the mountain, if you know what I mean, please.
If you’re planning on having a kid, do yourself a favor and do the things you’ve been wanting to do first, don’t dive into parenthood with regrets.