Go on and admit it, you love farting when it’s not embarrassing. You can let it be known, passing gas when it’s necessary feels good even if it’s not fully accepted in society. It’s liberating, to be honest. But the truth is that the smell might make others around you think differently. If you are not alone and need to crack one off, there are so many potential dangers: the smell might be horrific thanks to those tacos last night, or the sound might reveal you are not as professional as all these people think in your crucial business presentation. They can hear it on Zoom, too, can’t they? Don’t panic. If you feel it brewing in your stomach and you know it’s coming, we have a few rescue strategies. We’ve got you, bruh!
Can’t hold in your fart but others will hear or smell it? Don’t sweat it, your Rad Entourage is coming to the rescue. Here are ways to conceal your cheek-squeak.
Blame it on the dog.
We are pathetic human beings sometimes, we know. But, honestly speaking, your lovely pet can stink up the room pretty efficiently, too. Don’t act like it hasn’t happened before. And if you can give them all your love and attention, they can do one little thing in return, too. Let your furry friend take one for the team. But, acting skills are crucial here. The moment it happens, look at your doggo, say “why are you doing it again, boy? I apologize, I don’t know what has gotten into him,” and offer an apologetic smile to people around you. Now get your Academy Award, Morgan Freeman.
Play it off like you’re beatboxing.
Just like with the previous trick, the timing is everything here. If you think your fart will be fairly audible (and pray it won’t smell), use your beatboxing skills. You waited for such a long time to impress someone after hours of trying out, didn’t you? Or even if you didn’t, improvise. You won’t have much choice anyway.
Walk it out.
This one is a savior when you are in a crowded space. We are keeping distance these days, but it’s still an effective way to move the crime scene further from the people you’re talking to. You will disperse that smell through the space and air out your jeans, too. Walk that fart out like your life depends on it. If you are in the store, go to the cheese or seafood aisle. If you see garbage cans or containers, it will be a God-send. And if you are near the public restroom – perfect. If people judge you here, then they fart glitter and rainbows.
Squeeze the cheeks.
Let’s take a scientific approach here. If your butt is fat and bigger than usual (which might be a result of all those quarantine snacks), you will praise it. The bigger the ass cheeks, the better you will conceal your fart. When you squeeze your glute muscles, your fragrant tune (seriously, we have the most amazing fart slang list) will be muffled. And that’s what you need, especially when you’re desperate. If you cannot run away; when you are in the elevator; if your girlfriend won’t let you go – this is the last resort. Squeeze those ass cheeks like your life depends on it.
Stay silent my friends…
We might have forgotten many creative ways to cover up farts, Rad peeps. That’s why we need your help to make a part two. Take part and sound off in the comments. You’ll get credited for your imaginative mind.
Fire them up!
Yes, this was on purpose.
