Some people might be amazed, some people might relate, and others would likely state that it never happened and it’s all a huge exaggeration and couldn’t have taken place. The point is that strange things can be heard and seen at a bar and if you’ve ever worked one, you’ll know very well that I’m telling at least a version of the truth that isn’t so easily denied. People say and do the damndest things when they’re inebriated, and as a bartender, one has to be ready for all of them, even if they’re not. One of the best ways to tend bar is to work on your acting techniques, since like it or not if you work in a bar you’re going to hear some truly messed-up s*** from time to time, and likely see a bit of it as well.
Where there’s alcohol, there’s sex, or at least some version of it
I kid you not, I have worked in a few bars where people have let the alcohol go to their heads, sometimes the head that makes the dumbest mistakes, and it’s been a laugh riot as well as a dangerous proposition more often than not. A lot of people might feel a little sexier when they’re drunk, but unfortunately, reality tends to step in to assert itself. Here are just a few of the stories I’ve compiled over the years.
- During the Super Bowl of all times a couple decided to make their way into men’s room, don’t ask me how they snuck in since it’s likely everyone was too sauced to really care. No one really cared who won between the Ravens and the Buccaneers that year, so the alcohol was the main point of the day. Of course, two people cared since a guy and his woman were caught in the stalls when she yelled out “Ravens” a little too vigorously. Once the peep show started it didn’t end until yours truly and another bartender had to 86 the over-zealous couple, and yes, before they could finish.
- Normally you wouldn’t want to eat anything that someone had been having sex on, but a keg should be alright, right? It was still all I could do to keep a grimace from my face one night after catching my boss and one of the female servers hunched over a couple of kegs in the tap room, grunting like a couple of wild pigs. Yeah, try getting the image of two hogs going at it while you’re trying to work.
- While working at a sports bar in downtown Portland one night it was evident that one of my customers was breathing a little heavy, and upon looking across the bar at the object of his affection it was kind of easy to see why. Who wouldn’t be attracted to a hot blonde wearing a tight miniskirt and halter top while she’s sucking on a straw? The problem was that the gasp that came from the guy only a few minutes later announced the real reason for the heavy breathing, and the reason why he was shown to the door once he was pointed out to the bouncer. Yeah, self-love is all well and good when it’s done in private, but when done in public it’s a good excuse to kick someone’s ass to the curb.
You do have responsibilities as a bartender, which people will test continually
You’ve likely heard stories, or seen accounts, of people becoming so intoxicated they passed out on the bar or at their table. Those aren’t just stories, but they’re also cases of gross misconduct when a bartender either didn’t know what they were doing or didn’t care. Whether a person realizes it or not, a bartender has to look out for their patrons even if they don’t like them. The reputation of the bar and the tender are on the line, as is their liquor license if they over-serve someone. Here are a few stories that you can imagine managed to get a little tense.
- There’s always that person that comes to the bar and says “This doesn’t taste the same as the drinks I make at home” or some similar nonsense. That’s when you have the dubious pleasure of telling them that this is because you legally can’t add as much alcohol as they might at home, only to have a person roll their eyes and call for your manager. One particular time the argument was over a lemon drop, a definite girly drink if there ever was one. The woman not only called the manager, she made sure that I was watched while I made the drink ‘right’. Considering she’d already had three lemon drops, admittedly before she arrived, it’s a wonder she was able to taste anything at that point. But wonder of wonders, as I made the drink she accused me of shorting the alcohol, which was then measured and found to be…wait for it, right on the money. Long story short, she was offered another shot of alcohol for her drink, provided she pay. I don’t think it was the drink that soured her expression.
- Some folks don’t pass out quickly and others will nod off at a moment’s notice when they’ve had too much. Working at various bars I’ve seen people’s energy drain like a cellphone that’s being used until it’s absolutely dead, and I’ve seen folks drop after two drinks. One particular day a customer came in and ordered a beer and a shot, and was just fine until they ordered another beer and a shot. No sooner had the beer been drained I heard a heavy thud, only to turn around find that my customer had fallen fast asleep. Thankfully a coworker knew him and after waking the guy up called a cab for him. This was a pretty regular occurrence.
- Working at a sports bar in Portland there were two lounging areas that featured leather armchairs and couches. Near closing time, when last call had been announced and everyone was on their way out, those of us still left were on our way out when someone professed to hear a strange sound coming from the lounging area that was adjacent to the bar. Noticing that the couch was pushed away from the wall, a few of us went over to check it out, and found one of our patrons fast asleep behind the couch. I could not make this stuff up if I tried, the guy even admitted that he’d been waiting for all of us to leave so that he could raid the bar and have a good time. Needless to say he was banned from the bar.
Some stuff you have to experience to believe
This is one of those times when the ability to let other people into your thoughts to see them play out like a video would be nice, even if it would be kind of creepy. But while sex and people falling asleep at the bar are more than enough for some folks, there have been some occasions that have been a bit terrifying and in some cases kind of amusing. Just take a look.
- Talking about killing someone at a bar should be a huge red flag, right? Well, being in the same vicinity while doing one’s job and overhearing a plot that might have been a joke or not became a very tense moment when I was asked by one of the individuals to leave them alone for a while. Granted, I was in earshot when they didn’t want me to be, but I was also doing my job, and minding my own business. When I decided to push the envelope I asked if the individual would like to mop the floor and fill the ice bin and do all my other menial tasks while I plotted the murder, since I certainly couldn’t do any worse. When challenged to come up with a better method of execution though all I had to do was look at their glasses, and they got the point. They moved to a table not long after that, and ordered new drinks. It’s a big hope that they were talking about the theory of murder…
- People might have heard of bar brawls, but how many have ever been close to one? Working as a bouncer at a bar on the waterfront in Astoria, Oregon was a unique experience since the mix of customers was incredibly diverse. Everyone from loggers to fishermen to tourists to, well, whoever wanted to mix it up came into this bar. The downside of this is that a lot of them didn’t get along, and once the alcohol took over it was easy to see stools go flying on some nights as the cops were on speed dial and were usually roaming the area on Friday and Saturday nights just in case. I kid you not, some nights the cops would be walking down the long hallway while a fight was still on, but by the time they reached the bar the fight was over and only the collateral damage was left as evidence.
- One thing that any bar patron should learn quickly is etiquette, especially when it comes to treating the bar staff kindly. At one particular sports bar in Portland it was understood that if a patron spoke harshly to or decided to get physical with any of us in that place then they would have to deal with all of us. That rule was made crystal clear to the regulars, but a few hardheaded individuals had to learn the hard way not to upset the female servers, and were shown the door the first and only time they decided to get rowdy, since not only did they get physically tossed from the bar, they also had their pictures taken to ensure that the would be a part of the wall of shame, which was erected to make sure we didn’t welcome back anyone who didn’t respect the rules.
Bars are for having fun, and the bartender can be your best buddy
That’s what they’re there for, after all, to serve you drinks and listen to your bs while making nice with you to get a bigger tip. They’ll be your friend as long as you follow the rules and behave. But the moment you step out of line in a bar just expect that you’ll be seeing the door a lot sooner than you’d like.
