Your Favorite Things are Old Now. Deal.

As atoms that originated during the Big Bang, we’ve been around for about 14 billion years, and probably will stick around for another five billion before the Universe freezes and collapses upon itself . And inhabitants of this giant soaking-wet boulder we call Earth, we’ve been around for about 4.5 billion years. As advanced beings who can talk, create art, and blow each other up over whose creation myth is cooler, we’ve been around for about 50,000 years.

And we only reached our final stage of evolution — reality show contestant — about 20 years ago.

So when you think about it that way, all this wailing and kvetching about how old people and their favorite crap from youth are getting isn’t impressive or interesting in the least. And yet everybody does it, especially now that social media allows us to grab a virtual megaphone and shot out whatever’s on our fragile little minds instantaneously. Every week/month/year, we get a whole new batch of things that You Won’t Believe Are Old Now or That Will Make You Feel Sooooooo Old, completely ignoring that a steady progression of time is literally the most normal process in history.

That pop record that defined your childhood and made you wear just the worst clothing imaginable until you were old enough to realize only rich people can dress tacky and still get laid? It’s 25 years old this year! You know what else is 25 years old? Everybody born that year. That’s right, everybody. I don’t usually like to generalize, but in this case I must. 100% of the things that showed up 25 years ago are 25 years old this year: music, movies, people, animals, plants, books — all 25 years old!

“Ready to feel old? It’s been FIFTEEN YEARS since that T-Rex ate my uncle.”

There is no reason whatsoever that seeing, say, the Teletubby Sun Baby all grown up should make you feel old. For one thing, that stupid show premiered in 1997, meaning the girl in question can barely smoke yet. Anything young enough for Winger to sing about isn’t allowed to make you fret over the lines on your face.

“She’s only illegalllllll”

You know what should make you feel old? When your bones start to creak. When eating one cheeseburger suddenly makes you look five months pregnant. When you get a sudden case of the oh-shit-I’ve-gotta-shit’s, and the ensuing run winds you like three straight marathons might a younger person. When everything pisses you off and you no longer find joy in anything or anybody. THAT’S when it’s time to feel OMG so old. Not because the three chords Green Day bashed together in 1992 are now experiencing a quarter-lfie crisis.

Especially since those same three chords receive new life every goddamn album.

So the next time your favorite lazy, unoriginal, non-creative aggregate website insists on bashing your over the head with clickbait like “50 Mind-Blowing Things That Happened a Mind-Blowing 30 Years Ago”, stubbornly refuse to let your mind be blown. It’s not amazing in the least. Everything gets old, and nothing is immune.

Except John Stamos.