The Worst Hook Up Story Ever Told (NSFW)

November 26, 2019

This has to be the best & worst hook up story ever told. Thanks to Redditor xTheRedKnightx, we can enjoy this amazing sex fail.

WARNING: NSFW. Strong use of language. Read at your own discretion.

So, a good friend of mine invited me to a cowboy themed drag show he was putting on as fund raiser for a pretty bad flood that happened in our area recently. I accepted and showed up on time but realized pretty quickly that “on time” is early and no one really shows up early anymore. Should’ve known.

After the obligatory “hello’s” and “how ya doin’s” to my buddy and the other folks running the event, I found the bar and settled in. Drink in hand, I began scoping out the few people that had trickled in since I arrived. I didn’t really expect to find anyone I’d be into at this event but hey, I’d gone through a pretty bad break up a couple of weeks prior and was feeling desperate for some action.

After chatting with the bartender for a while I finish my second drink. Feeling a little loose, I turn around to check out the new arrivals when I notice an old friend of mine sitting alone at a table on her phone.

I walk over, say hello and we begin to catch up. I hadn’t seen Angela (nope, not her real name) in about a year and find out she was in from out of town and meeting up with a few of the folks I planned on seeing this evening as well. Score. We’d always had a mutual attraction to each other but never acted on it since I had always been in a relationship. Obviously I’m thinking that shouldn’t be a problem now.

The night progresses and we meet up with all our mutual friends. We drink. We dance. We have a blast. Everything is going well and her and I are really hitting it off.

Once the show ends, someone suggests we go to another bar and as a group, we all agree. Everyone is already quite drunk so inhibitions are pretty low. Angela and I made out on our way to the bar and I’m feeling like a boss ass player.

One or two bars later and we end up at an after hours dance club. It should be noted that Angela and I pretty drunk at this point and I convinced myself that I’m some sort of amazing dance god. She’s digging it even if I’m struggling to keep from falling down so I go in for the kill.

“You wernt ta come over ter my place??”

I asked right before the beat dropped so I never actually heard what she said but it was something along the lines of, “Sure. I guess.”

Fuck yes. I’m da best.

I call an Uber and we start heading towards my apartment. She has us stop at a 7-11 to get her a toothbrush and I grab an ice cream sandwich. This night is going way better than I thought it would.

We get home and our clothes start flying off. My buddy had given me a couple of Viagra a while back so I pop one. I didn’t want to get whiskey dick so it seemed like a good idea at the time.

We start going at it and the Viagra kicks in. My Tony Stark turns into Iron Man and for about 15 minutes, we have amazing sex. I feel like such a boss.

She flips over and prepares herself to ride Reverse Cowgirl. I remember thinking, “Hmmm. Things seem a little dry down there.” just before she slams down on the saddle.

You know that moment when you’re in so much unexpected pain that your brain doesn’t even really register it?

You know something bad just happened but you don’t really feel it yet. That’s about where I was in that moment.

I shout in pain and push her off. I look down at my boy and blood is shooting out of the front. Literally shooting out. The Viagra and high alcohol content are pumping out blood like the fucking Bellagio Fountains.

I run to the bathroom holding my junk and jump into the bath tub. She comes careening in after me shout-asking what the hell happened. I shout-tell her to shut up and take a deep breath before examining the damage.

Turns out, her forceful mount and lack of lube put an abnormal amount of stress on my bowstring (Frenulum is the technical term) and popped the little guy right in half.

So here I am, sitting naked in the shower, unwillingly rock hard, drunk and bleeding an impressive amount. She becomes hysterical, starts crying and calls her Dad.

Why her Dad? Well, apparently he’s a doctor.

Apparently she thinks he can give her some advice or home remedy to fix my broken bowstring at 4 AM in the morning. Yeah. I don’t think so.
You know what this guy says? “Why are you talking to me? Take him to the hospital.”

Thanks Angela’s dad. Real helpful.

After about 15 minutes, the bleeding slowed slightly but I’m starting to feel pretty woozy. The shock of the situation finally subsides and I begin laughing uncontrollably. I think, “This is what’s happening to me right now. Everything I’ve done in life has led up to me boner bleeding in the shower. This is what I have become.”

Angela puts some clothes on and grabs the keys to my car. She tells me to get out of the shower and meet her out front to go to the ER. I tell her she better Yelp the best one because I’m not having some 4 star doctor handle my precious wounded hog. She’s not very happy with me at that moment.

As I shamble out of the shower and gingerly put some clothes on, I look around for the nearest object to carry my broken junk in. Maybe a smart person would grab a towel but nope, I grab a wide mouth Mason jar that was sitting on the counter and tuck my dick and balls in that. Why both? It was just more comfortable that way.

The blood isn’t coming out as much at this point but I still have an erection. Pants pulled up to my thighs and holding the bloody Mason jar between my legs, I walk outside and get in the car.
We drive the 5 minutes to an Urgent Care (5 star rated on Yelp, of course) and I walk in there with all my glory showing and no fucks to give. There’s a few people in the waiting room but the guy behind the counter doesn’t want me sitting in there with them because my pants aren’t pulled up so I get the VIP treatment and see the doctor right away.

I explain the situation to Dr. Ted while Nurse Caroline takes my Mason jar and throws it away (I mean, I didn’t want it back I guess). Ted is in his late 60’s and and Caroline isn’t far behind in age. Ted gets the thing clean and puts pressure on it when he drops the bad news.

“The bleeding isn’t really going to stop without putting pressure on it. I don’t want to stand here all night and hold your [Glorious Member] so we’re gonna have to stitch it up.”
NOPE.

I ask if there’s anything else we can do. Literally anything else. Glue? Band-aid? Caroline puts pressure on it? No dice.

In a last ditch effort, I ask for some sort of anesthetic but he explains that would be more painful than just getting the stitches.

Caroline holds my hand. I glare at Angela. Ted puts 3 stitches in. I cried. We all bonded.

Angela and I drove back to my place in silence.

She left back to her hotel shortly after we got back. We haven’t talked since then but I like to think the conversation with her dad the next day was very awkward.

Three days later I got the stitches out. Ted and Caroline weren’t there so I had to explain the story to a whole new set of people. They laughed, a lot. I left them a 5 star review on Yelp.

Long story short, I thought I was a boss ass bro getting a one night stand. Ended up breaking my dick and going to the ER.

workaholics ouch gif