Kids Aren’t Hilariously Inappropriate. Crappy Photoshoppers Are.

December 7, 2019

We’re pretty big on stuff that comes out of the “mouths of babes”. The idea here is that, since kids have little to no filter, they’ll just say whatever comes to mind, and it’s usually far more profound and witty than the crap we think of after self-censorship and self-editing take hold.

We love the idea so much, in fact, that we’ve combined it with out other great love (using Photoshop to blatantly make up shit and pretend it’s real) to create a curiously viral sub-genre: kids being hilariously inappropriate. These little tykes are so gosh-darn innocent, and so ludicrously bad at spelling, that whenever they try to write something cute, it so often comes out evil, sexual, or sexually evil:

I am the one who refuses to make a lame Breaking Bad pun.

In certain mountain-y areas of West Kentucky, this is actually 100% accurate.

*Writer drinks and never ever stops*

Obviously, kids spell words wrong and never bother to correct themselves all the time. So do adults, as 30 seconds scrolling your Facebook wall will attest. But am I supposed to believe that these kids’ mistakes are THIS on the nose? Kids are sincerely spelling “Santa” as “Satan”? Bullshit — just about every single one of these is pure fiction, spread around by people who are convinced that children are secretly evil and really want everybody to agree with them.

If a child actually did misspell Santa, you know what it would look like? Snta. Sana. Santuh. Maybe Santa with the n backwards. Y’know: actual misspellings, not conveniently delving into devil worship. The only people who spell it that way are attempting yet another lame “Santa is secretly evil joke”, a gag more tired than a bear skipping hibernation.

And as far as “my dad is the best cock ever”, complete with HI-LARIOUS drawing of Dad wearing a flesh-colored chef hat that looks exactly like a swollen penis: nice try. Best case scenario: the child did it right, and happened to make the hat look kind of like a giant mushroom head. The adult, desperate to go viral, colored the hat pink, used a simple eraser tool to make the O look like a C, and reveled in their comic genius.

Worst case scenario: a grown-ass adult, who votes and pays taxes presumably, drew this by themselves and then attributed it to some anonymous precocious child because the Internet was running out of pointless shit to share for a split second.

Here we have a double shot of blatant stupidity. “I come in peace” becomes “I cum in pies”. GEDDIT? See, not only is your child secretly a dirty horndog with a weirdly specific food fetish, but so is their favorite cartoon character! Props to whoever drew/manipulated this one for not using Woody though. Perhaps that would have made it too obvious?

And come on now. I get that “Virginia” might be tough for a little kid to spell, but to this level? No way. And of course, like always, the child spells it in the most giggle-worthy manner possible, because toddlers gettin’ pussy is just so damn whimsical.

I think you get the point. Every other entry in this genre is faked in the exact same way, and it could not be more blatant. Kids may say and do funny things at times, but never like this. If you really want your children to start talking about cocks, balls, vaginas, and whores, do what every other parent does: wait till they’re 15 and get turned on by their first “Disney Channel star goes wild!” video. The baby from Good Luck Charlie should be good to go by then.

What a whore bunch of bullshit.