10 Redneck Jokes That Will Make You Piss Your Pants

November 28, 2019

Everyone, including Rednecks, enjoy good old fashioned redneck jokes. They seem to embrace the attention. Otherwise why would they do, act, and say the things they do?

Redneck takes his daughter to the Gynecologist:

A redneck takes his daughter to the Gynecologist to get her on the pill. The Doc walks in and asks “So what are we here for today?” The redneck says, “I am here to get my daughter on the pill.” The Doc asks, “Is she sexually active?” The father says, “No she just lays there like her mother”.

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Two Rednecks hunting in the woods:

Two redneck buddies are hunting in the woods. One says to the other, “Hey I can see your house from here and your wife has some other guy in your room.” The second redneck says, “Well, alright then. Shoot her in the head and him in the privates.” First redneck says, “No problem, I can get both with one shot.”

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Redneck Mirror:

An old redneck makes the drive into the big city. In one of the stores he finds a mirror and looks into it. “Holy shit, that’s a picture of my daddy.” So he buys the mirror and heads home. Along the way, he remembers his wife, Lizzy, hated his father. So when he gets home he hides the mirror by hanging it in his barn. Every morning he would stop in the barn to look at the “picture” of his daddy. His wife Lizzy, got suspicious of his frequent trips to the barn. So she went to the barn and searched high and low before she found the mirror. She looked into the mirror and said, “So that’s the no good whore he has been running around with.”

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Redneck duck hunting:

A young redneck named Billy was out hunting ducks in Arkansas. The game warden walks up to Billy and asks, “Hey son. Do you have an Arkansas duck hunting license?” Billy replies, “Yes sir I do.” The game warden picks up a duck and shoves his finger up its ass. He then puts the finger in his mouth and says, “This duck is from Georgia. Do you have a Georgia duck license?” Billy says, “Yes sir I do”.” The warden grabs another duck and again shoves his finger up the ducks ass and into his mouth. The warden says, “This duck is from Alabama, do you have an Alabama duck license?” Billy again says, “Yes sir I do.”

The warden then asks Billy where he is from. Billy drops his pants, bends over, and asks the warden, “Why don’t you tell me?”

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Redneck vacation advice:

Luther tells his buddy Jim Bob that this year he is going to do plan his vacation a bit differently. Jim Bob asks, “Why’s that?” Luther replies, “Well, 2 years ago you told me to go to Miami and I did and Earline got pregnant.” He went on, “Last year you told me to go to Georgia and I did and Earline got pregnant again.” So Jim Bob asks, “So what are you going to do different this year?” Luther replied, “This year I am taking Earline with me.”

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Redneck wins the lottery:

A redneck wins the lottery and happily heads off to Austin, Tx to collect his winnings. When he gets to the store the clerk verifies the winning ticket and tells the man that he did in fact win $20 million dollars. “Yahoo!” shouts the redneck. “Give me my $20 million and I will be on my way!” The clerk explains to the redneck that he is to receive $1 million dollars today and $1 million dollars every year for the next 19 years. The rednecks insists on collecting all his winnings right then and there.

Finally when the redneck realizes he is only to get the $1 million today, and the balance over the next 19 years, he fumes, “Well if you ain’t gonna give me my $20 million dollar winnings, give me back my dollar!”

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Redneck in the mortuary:

Three dead bodies turn up at the town mortuary. All three bodies were men who died with huge smiles on their faces. The first body is that of a 60 year old Frenchman who died while shagging his mistress. The second body was that of a 25 year Scotsman who won $100,000 in the lottery, and spent it all on booze. Thus dying of alcohol poisoning while having a party. The third body was that of a 23 year old redneck who died after being struck by lightning.

Puzzled, the coroner called the police to inquire as to why the young man was smiling while being struck by lightning. The sheriff told the coroner, “He thought he was getting his picture taken.”

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Redneck Juror:

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

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Rednecks talking about condoms:

Two rednecks are talking about condoms and STD’S. “Yo, how do you protect yourself from AIDS?” “I wear a condom all the time,” replies the other.”Do you ever take it off?” “Yeah, when I go to the bathroom and during sex!”

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Of course one, “You might be a redneck if”…

You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.

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